I feel sick and stressed and panicked and guilty and awful. I don't know why I keep doing this to myself because it never makes me feel any better - in fact, it's bound to make me feel worse and I know it every time I do it. I am such an insecure, stalkerish little fuck.
I honestly can't keep an online journal. I'm terrified of anyone I know finding it, and I can't express myself as well as I'd like to. These thoughts should be for me only because I'm sick of poisoning other people with them. The more I talk about it, the more I think about it, the worse it gets and the more I dwell on it.
Don't think I can write in here any more.
Saturday, 22 May 2010
Friday, 16 April 2010
fruit tree
Lexicology essay is finished and in, and now it's done I keep finding other books I could have used for it, which would have been really useful as it was a pretty shocking excuse for an academic endeavour.
Talking of academic endeavours, Lauren and Lydia and I have been looking at Sheffield's postgraduate options - social work for them and English for me. Neither is particularly promising: for English Language there are only three different pathways: Applied Linguistics, Language Acquisition and Language in Culture, History and Society. Only the third of those options appeals even vaguely, it doesn't cover all the things I'm interested in, and since Philip Shaw left there are no Old English specialists at Sheffield, so I don't know how much instruction/help I'd be able to get in those areas. I could go elsewhere, of course, but I'd really rather not :(
I've spent the evening watching Way To Blue: Songs Of Nick Drake [which I'm GUTTED I didn't get to go to, because it would have been wonderful], drinking hot chocolate and translating song lyrics into German with Jo, with humorous consequences.
Booked tickets to see Jesu on May 15th. EXCITEDDDD.
I am feeling very much in love at the moment.
Talking of academic endeavours, Lauren and Lydia and I have been looking at Sheffield's postgraduate options - social work for them and English for me. Neither is particularly promising: for English Language there are only three different pathways: Applied Linguistics, Language Acquisition and Language in Culture, History and Society. Only the third of those options appeals even vaguely, it doesn't cover all the things I'm interested in, and since Philip Shaw left there are no Old English specialists at Sheffield, so I don't know how much instruction/help I'd be able to get in those areas. I could go elsewhere, of course, but I'd really rather not :(
I've spent the evening watching Way To Blue: Songs Of Nick Drake [which I'm GUTTED I didn't get to go to, because it would have been wonderful], drinking hot chocolate and translating song lyrics into German with Jo, with humorous consequences.
Booked tickets to see Jesu on May 15th. EXCITEDDDD.
I am feeling very much in love at the moment.
Monday, 12 April 2010
watchpocket blues
I've been at home for Easter and, bar the odd parental argument, it's been nice to have been looked after and fed for a little while.
Mike came down, too. We wandered around the beach a lot, and I taught him to knit and he made a scarf.
He gave me a flower:
Don't think I mentioned that I've ended up with a rather cushy summer job: phonetic transcription of conversations for a Human Communication Sciences study. I can work as and when I wish, and they are giving me bare pennies for doing so :)
Last week I went to London and saw Claire, Candy, Rowan, Ruby and Vic. It was a lovely, lovely day.
Now I am back in Sheffield, my loan has just come in and I should be finishing a Lexicology essay. Over and out.
Mike came down, too. We wandered around the beach a lot, and I taught him to knit and he made a scarf.
He gave me a flower:
Don't think I mentioned that I've ended up with a rather cushy summer job: phonetic transcription of conversations for a Human Communication Sciences study. I can work as and when I wish, and they are giving me bare pennies for doing so :)
Last week I went to London and saw Claire, Candy, Rowan, Ruby and Vic. It was a lovely, lovely day.
Now I am back in Sheffield, my loan has just come in and I should be finishing a Lexicology essay. Over and out.
Monday, 29 March 2010
two silver trees
My mind is currently full of half-formed ideas and ideals which I can't fully grasp and put into words, and it is really annoying me because I want to DO SOMETHING WITH THEM.
I've started making the time to read again, and it is wonderful. Currently absorbing Jeanette Winterson through all my pores and getting my hands on everything she's written that I haven't already read. Also halfway through Le Grand Meaulnes, and today I went to Waterstone's and took mental notes of everything I want to get round to reading. I feel as though I have rediscovered an old hunger.
Spent last night and today in Lincoln catching up with Stephy and Miles and, briefly, Lee. I miss having unconditional friends.
Despite my general positivity of late, I've started having more panic attacks and spontaneous waves of sad, and much as I hate to let it, it has been affecting my precarious body confidence. I'm terrified of losing this, please don't go.
Discovered Calexico. I like.
I've started making the time to read again, and it is wonderful. Currently absorbing Jeanette Winterson through all my pores and getting my hands on everything she's written that I haven't already read. Also halfway through Le Grand Meaulnes, and today I went to Waterstone's and took mental notes of everything I want to get round to reading. I feel as though I have rediscovered an old hunger.
Spent last night and today in Lincoln catching up with Stephy and Miles and, briefly, Lee. I miss having unconditional friends.
Despite my general positivity of late, I've started having more panic attacks and spontaneous waves of sad, and much as I hate to let it, it has been affecting my precarious body confidence. I'm terrified of losing this, please don't go.
Discovered Calexico. I like.
Saturday, 20 March 2010
cabin fever
Considering I've been feeling so much better about my appearance and my intelligence recently, it would really be quite nice to not still be having panic attacks and feeling like my housemates don't give a shit about me any more. Everything feels claustrophobic and stilted and awkward and wrong and I miss how things used to be and I want them back.
Sunday, 14 March 2010
mistaken for strangers
Life is epic at the moment.
I got my results for last semester t'other day.
History of Persuasion: 70
Language Politics, Policy and Planning: 70
Introduction to Old English: 78
Three first class marks, motherfucker :D
I am very, very happy with my marks. The first two were always going to be borderline, so I'm SO glad they went up and not down. Winnnn :D As for Old English, I somehow got a 75 on the essay I thought I'd done a really shoddy job of. Can't complain at all!
I spent most of yesterday in Mike's bed, dossing and snuggling and watching Mr T [!] videos on Youtube. He used the L word. So did I. It was lovely. I am happy.
Today I spent an hour and a half cleaning the bathrooms [yes, they were that grimy :(] and now I keep trying to start work, but I just can't be bothered.
Last week I applied for this paid phonetics research placement the uni is offering over the summer. This year I'd like to get some kind of work which might actually be relevant to my future interests, so if I got this placement it would be pretty epic. Turns out only six people have applied for it, and I've got an interview for it on Tuesday. Which includes a transcription test. Ohhhhh dear.
I'm wearing purple tights and listening to The National and the heating has just come on. I like today.
I got my results for last semester t'other day.
History of Persuasion: 70
Language Politics, Policy and Planning: 70
Introduction to Old English: 78
Three first class marks, motherfucker :D
I am very, very happy with my marks. The first two were always going to be borderline, so I'm SO glad they went up and not down. Winnnn :D As for Old English, I somehow got a 75 on the essay I thought I'd done a really shoddy job of. Can't complain at all!
I spent most of yesterday in Mike's bed, dossing and snuggling and watching Mr T [!] videos on Youtube. He used the L word. So did I. It was lovely. I am happy.
Today I spent an hour and a half cleaning the bathrooms [yes, they were that grimy :(] and now I keep trying to start work, but I just can't be bothered.
Last week I applied for this paid phonetics research placement the uni is offering over the summer. This year I'd like to get some kind of work which might actually be relevant to my future interests, so if I got this placement it would be pretty epic. Turns out only six people have applied for it, and I've got an interview for it on Tuesday. Which includes a transcription test. Ohhhhh dear.
I'm wearing purple tights and listening to The National and the heating has just come on. I like today.
Sunday, 7 March 2010
head unbound
Life is good at the moment, and I feel good.
I know things can't always be like this, and give it a couple of weeks and I will surely be snowed under with essays and feel dreadful and unintelligent and stressed and stupid, but for the moment I am happy and I would like to revel in it.
For once in my life, I actually feel attractive. Nothing has changed -in fact, as far as I'm aware I've been putting on weight rather than taking it off- but at the moment I'm actually feeling good about myself. In terms of what I wear, I've been pushing myself right to the edge of my comfort zone, wearing dresses and big sweaters and things that show off my legs. Years of living in jeans and being terrified of drawing attention to any specific part of myself have made this so hard, but I'm getting there.
And do you know what? It isn't so bad. I see something nice in a shop and I buy it, then panic about when on earth I'm going to wear it. I try it on in the privacy of my room and panic some more. I bite the bullet and force myself into wearing it outside in front of actual real people. And they don't point and laugh, they don't give me strange looks, and I don't feel stupid. The first time I wore one dress I was terrified of unleashing on the world, Lydia told me I had 'model legs'. It's not so bad after all.
I need to stop thinking so much. I need to stop doing this to myself. It's okay. I look okay. I look good, in fact.
I think having Mike in my life helps significantly. Not from a validation point of view, or because I base my attractiveness solely on how others find me, but just because I've never had a boyfriend who wasn't a psycho who told me I was beautiful. Joe never made me feel bad about myself, but he never really passed comment on my attributes. I don't expect compliments and I don't fish for them, but sometimes it's nice to know that the one you love finds you attractive. Mike is genuine in his admiration of my body, and it is immensely good for my self-esteem.
I like my body. It works. It likes food, and I like to feed it. It looks good in clothes. Sometimes it even looks good naked. It is mine, and I won't be getting a replacement any time soon. The least I can do is enjoy having it.
-----
My brain is making me happy at the moment, too. I got my marks back for my History of Persuasion and Old English exams - a 71 and a 74. Two firsts.
I am so happy about this. Granted, I haven't got my full module marks back yet so I don't know what my overall grades are, and chances are I will be right on the borderline for both Persuasion and Language Politics and Policy [haven't got my Old English essay back yet so I don't know how I've done, though to be honest I'm not holding out much hope for that], but after all my hard work and panicking and stressing and rewriting of essays, it's nice to have some kind of physical proof that I am intelligent, I am doing the right subject and that I can continue to do so without feeling like a failure.
I'm determined to do well this year, because the only potential career I have in mind at the moment is academia, and I will need to well to pursue it. I'm closer to doing well than I thought, and it's very nice to have actually met my stupidly high personal standards for once.
-----
It's unusual and strange and lovely to feel good about myself. I want to prolong this for as long as I can.
Currently listening to a grungey playlist I made for a mix CD for the Mooky forum, and feeling optimistic and good about the world. About to go in search of a piece of toast, and then I will feel even better.
-----
Dear Annis,
You do not mong.
Love, Annis.
I know things can't always be like this, and give it a couple of weeks and I will surely be snowed under with essays and feel dreadful and unintelligent and stressed and stupid, but for the moment I am happy and I would like to revel in it.
For once in my life, I actually feel attractive. Nothing has changed -in fact, as far as I'm aware I've been putting on weight rather than taking it off- but at the moment I'm actually feeling good about myself. In terms of what I wear, I've been pushing myself right to the edge of my comfort zone, wearing dresses and big sweaters and things that show off my legs. Years of living in jeans and being terrified of drawing attention to any specific part of myself have made this so hard, but I'm getting there.
And do you know what? It isn't so bad. I see something nice in a shop and I buy it, then panic about when on earth I'm going to wear it. I try it on in the privacy of my room and panic some more. I bite the bullet and force myself into wearing it outside in front of actual real people. And they don't point and laugh, they don't give me strange looks, and I don't feel stupid. The first time I wore one dress I was terrified of unleashing on the world, Lydia told me I had 'model legs'. It's not so bad after all.
I need to stop thinking so much. I need to stop doing this to myself. It's okay. I look okay. I look good, in fact.
I think having Mike in my life helps significantly. Not from a validation point of view, or because I base my attractiveness solely on how others find me, but just because I've never had a boyfriend who wasn't a psycho who told me I was beautiful. Joe never made me feel bad about myself, but he never really passed comment on my attributes. I don't expect compliments and I don't fish for them, but sometimes it's nice to know that the one you love finds you attractive. Mike is genuine in his admiration of my body, and it is immensely good for my self-esteem.
I like my body. It works. It likes food, and I like to feed it. It looks good in clothes. Sometimes it even looks good naked. It is mine, and I won't be getting a replacement any time soon. The least I can do is enjoy having it.
-----
My brain is making me happy at the moment, too. I got my marks back for my History of Persuasion and Old English exams - a 71 and a 74. Two firsts.
I am so happy about this. Granted, I haven't got my full module marks back yet so I don't know what my overall grades are, and chances are I will be right on the borderline for both Persuasion and Language Politics and Policy [haven't got my Old English essay back yet so I don't know how I've done, though to be honest I'm not holding out much hope for that], but after all my hard work and panicking and stressing and rewriting of essays, it's nice to have some kind of physical proof that I am intelligent, I am doing the right subject and that I can continue to do so without feeling like a failure.
I'm determined to do well this year, because the only potential career I have in mind at the moment is academia, and I will need to well to pursue it. I'm closer to doing well than I thought, and it's very nice to have actually met my stupidly high personal standards for once.
-----
It's unusual and strange and lovely to feel good about myself. I want to prolong this for as long as I can.
Currently listening to a grungey playlist I made for a mix CD for the Mooky forum, and feeling optimistic and good about the world. About to go in search of a piece of toast, and then I will feel even better.
-----
Dear Annis,
You do not mong.
Love, Annis.
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